Well, it’s only 8 days to go before I head off for my 30th birthday trip, which I’ve refrained from writing about on this blog, so as not to make anyone jealous of my excursion, relaxation, or the fact that I have the best husband in the world.
I’ve been quietly preparing for this trip by placing shopping requests from BJ’s and other stores and ordering gifts on Amazon so that in my 36 total hours in NY I won’t be running around entirely like a chicken without a head. I’ve been creating spreadsheets and calendars for Mordecai and the kids to ensure that they’ve got the schedule of speech therapy, ballet, English lessons, carpools and dinners all outlined – things that are part of every mom’s weekly routine, but are potentially overwhelming for someone trying to navigate parenthood alone for the first time in 8 years.
I figured that my week away would be full of surprises, both for me and for my family. But I was really hoping that the surprises wouldn’t begin until I was safely on my way. G-d, however, works in mysterious ways, and decided to bring on the first surprise a bit early. I’d like to think of it as an early birthday present for Azi. SURPRISE!!! Azi needs another set of tubes, and the surgery is set for Sunday, the day my cruise (the one I’ve been dreaming about for weeks, if not months) is supposed to set sail.
It’s bad enough that I was feeling guilty about turning everyone’s lives upside down by leaving for a week for no purpose except to relax. But the thought of leaving my baby during his hour of need brings the guilt to a whole new level. The thought of making Mordecai balance the kids, miss a day of work, and sit through surgery alone doesn’t make me feel entirely fantastic either. On the other hand, missing this trip for a 30 minute procedure hardly seems worthwhile. Does it?
The thought of canceling did, of course, cross my mind. But the thought of not canceling seems to be winning out. After all, I married Mordecai because of his cool-headedness, ability to work well under pressure and generally positive attitude…and I love Azi because of his resilience, strength of spirit and perpetual bravery (not to mention his extremely cute face). I have every reason to believe that they’ll be ok, right?
I guess that no matter how many healthy or cool dinners I make, no matter how many birthday cupcakes I bake, and no matter how many times I read and re-read the kids’ favorite books, I may never be the best mother ever. I just hope one day Azi will understand that I love him immeasurably despite my underlying selfishness.